Much is being said and ado-ing about marrying these days. What do you want? It’s June. Noticeably, whenever the subject of The Mothers comes up, the atmosphere in the blog sphere and elsewhere becomes rather chilly. Is somebody trying to tell us mothers something? Is the generally negative, condescending attitude about the mothers of the brides/grooms to the media like fashion announcing white is the new black?
OK. Right. Mama can be overbearing and domineering and nosy. On a good day she could get pushy, throw histrionics, hysterics, or the odd psychotic episode. While there is no excuse for this bad behavior there is a reason. Very few people ever bother to try to interpret what these “mom-antics” are really saying. So, before the push-off, the brush-off and the kiss-off, try understanding and patience first. A life transition like the one celebrated at a wedding needs to be handled with sensitivity and in peace.
squeaky, loud voices
A marriage is about two people, but a wedding is about two families. An individual bride and the wedding industry may call it, “my day”, but the day is closer in nature to baptism in some branches of Christian faith. A wedding is a public announcement of an “inner work of love”. It is the ritual place where a newly formed family steps into the stream of society. The new union declares itself an independent unit exclusive and distinct from the individual families of origin. The friends and family come to acknowledge the new family and to wish them the best. From culture to culture the rites, traditions and customs governing public and private behavior are the lines, the directions and the business in the ritual play of relationships called, the wedding; getting hitched; tying the knot.
tears
A child’s wedding is an occasion for not only joy, but grief. It officially “calls an end” to the child rearing phase of life. Concurrently occurring Peri-menopause, menopause, or retirement only makes the transition to non-parent adult difficult. It is a profound loss. Many women experience anxiety about what they perceive as the loss of meaning in their lives. There is no more denial. There is no more doubt. Mom has to redefine herself. Relationships have to be reconfigured. There may be a mourning for youthful promise lost; for things never accomplished; for dreams aborted; for passions buried by “be sensible-ness”. She looks at her glowing, fecund, energetic daughter, and compares her fatigued, pudgier, socially invisible self. An accomplished young woman is standing there in that gorgeous bridal gown, but her mother sees the colic, the 2-am feedings, the measles, the report cards, the winter concerts, the soccer games, the horrible boyfriends, the fights over clothes and graduation. In Mama’s heart, the bride is her little girl forever.
unsolicited advice
Like the walls of an old house, weddings come with countless layers of emotional wall paper. “Wedding stories” passed down generation to generation peel off and fall on the heads of the unsuspecting to-be-wedded. Suddenly, all the psychological, social, and spiritual baggage running under a family’s consciousness floods into the decision making process of wedding planning. Weddings strike a major chord in the deepest octaves with Mama. She’s not just evil. She speaks out of her self-esteem, her pride, her disappointments, her need to feel loved or in control of her universe, her anger, and --most of all--her fear. Fear? Yes, fear: fear of being shamed before a family that may ever after refer to the event as
poor so-and-so's daughter's wedding. This is especially true if the mother's ego or sense of self hangs on the daughter's marital success. Some unfinished business of becoming adult may come up –in the parents or the couple-- during the planning of a wedding. Any of these sources at any time may spring up as negative criticism, meddling, combativeness, nagging and micromanaging. Any of them at any time may even combine with rest deprivation and medical issues to make a bigger mess. Try and keep everything in perspective: a marriage lasts a lifetime, but a wedding is an event that lasts but one day.
For Mama
Mom, you are going to survive.
